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The boy who, at age 10, asks his friends the difference between a dead baby and a bowling ball may or may not find it equally uproarious, at 16, to share what a woman and a bowling ball have in common you can Google it. They tap that ass, they tear her up. We have to purposefully and repeatedly broaden the masculine repertoire for dealing with disappointment, anger, desire. While following the conventional script may still bring social and professional rewards to boys and men, research shows that those who rigidly adhere to certain masculine norms are not only more likely to harass and bully others but to themselves be victims of verbal or physical violence. Nate, who attended a public high school in the Bay Area, knew this well. Perhaps the most extreme example was Ethan, a kid from the Bay Area who had been recruited by a small liberal-arts college in New England to play lacrosse. Sexual conquest —or perhaps more specifically, bragging about your experiences to other boys—is, arguably, the most crucial aspect of toxic masculinity. Maybe I just try not to dig too deeply.

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